Rolling Pooper-Scooper?

I don't even know where to begin? I thought the point of walking the dog was to let it, ahem, relieve itself. Putting it in a stroller makes that at the very least difficult (or that the most, extremely disturbing). I just don't get it.

Time for Nerds

Have you ever wanted to know the time? Now, have you ever wanted to figure out the time? I'm not talking about one of those tricky analog clocks. You know, the kind with the hands. Remembering that 5 is actually 25 may take you a little while to learn when you're six years old. Well, now you relive those magical days of feeling clueless when you look that the clock with this handy device: it's a clock that tells the time using a series of colored lights that change positions to indicate the numbers on display.

I'm sure it only takes the adult human a few years to finally get the hang of using this device. And I'm equally certain that the rewarding value of being able to correctly identify a system of random lights as being time for lunch is tremendous. Of course, to get to that point, you first need to throw away every other time-keeping device in your house so that you can really focus on learning the ins and outs of this machine instead of just chucking it in the trash and looking at your watch, cell phone, computer screen, real clock, sundial, etc...

I think this was designed by someone who used to be a dungeon master. It must provoke the a sense of nerdy superiority in people to be able to tell the time while everyone else is baffled by your pretty lights that is very similar to being the head nerd at a Dungeons & Dragons table and being the only one who knows exactly how many hit points a two-headed dung dragon should have. And if that's what makes you happy, I say it's time to pony up the dough for this reject from "Land of the Lost."

Fish Torture (Reprise)

I know it's a little hard to make out exactly what this is, but if you squint your eyes and lean into your computer monitor, what you will actually see is a tiny submarine and a remote control. Why would you need a tiny submarine, you might be thinking? To put in your fish tank, of course! Naturally, that's what fish have been yearning for all these years. "Well, I guess this bowl is an okay place for me to spend my fifteen minutes of life. The water's clean. There's some flakes floating on the surface that I can eat. It'll do, but I really wish there was a tiny submarine in here that could chase me around."

Pour Junior another Bourbon

This week's item actually seems like a very good idea at first glance. It's a pacifier than can also be used to deliver medicine directly into your baby's mouth. I'm no expert on child-rearing, but I suspect that babies would certainly rather suck on a pacifier than have eye-droppers and the like shoved into their mouths. So, as you can see, in the hands of a gentle and responsible parent, this pacifier could be just the thing for a fussy baby.

In the hands of an evil babysitter, however, this pacifier is tool for evil handed down by Lucifer himself. Can't get Junior to stop crying? Want him to go sleep so you can watch "Armed & Famous"? Load up his pacifier with two fingers of the Ol' Granddad and let him suck away.

That said, I'm thinking about getting one of these for myself. I'm about to start a new job soon, so I'm going to tell everyone that I suck on a pacifier to prevent myself from smoking. Because they won't know me very well, they should remain oblivious to two pacifier-related tidbits: 1) I'm not actually a smoker, and 2) my pacifier will be full of small quantities of White Russian.

Does PETA know about this?

Sorry for the late update this week, but I think the toilet fish tank is well worth the wait. It's fish tank, built into a toilet. Or is that other way around? I believe the tank used to flush the toilet is located inside the larger tank used to torture the fish. Torture them? Imagine if your only entertainment all day was watching people urinate?

I thought long and hard about who the intended market was for this product. It can't be intended for grown men because, frankly, it's embarrassing to have anyone find this in your house. Likewise, women of any age wouldn't really find a use for this because most of the time they would have their backs to the tank and wouldn't really get to appreciate it's beauty. I guess that leaves young boys as the only ones who might want this thing. However, I doubt they are mature enough to handle taking care of the fish. Oh well, I guess it does make it easier to flush the dead ones.

As for me, if the Plumbing Police came to me and said, "You must put this in your bathroom," I guess I would try to fill it with bioluminescent jellyfish. That way I wouldn't need to turn on the light if I had to use the toilet at night.

Calling All Airheads

This weeks update is... oxygen. Yep, that's a can of oxygen for your breathing pleasure. No doubt, this particular product was inspired by classic Mel Brooks film, Spaceballs. Of course, the manufacturers failed to keep in mind that that was a comedy. A spoof, if you will. Not a focus group.

There are a few instances when I think that a canned oxygen supply is good idea. I have listed a few of these below:

1. Being underwater: Sure, water is part oxygen, but not the good kind. Luckily, a host of specialized devices have been designed to provide you with oxygen while underwater (snorkel, SCUBA gear, submarine, etc.).
   
2. Being at high altitudes: Air gets thinner. We all know it. No one would think of climbing a high mountain without a sturdy oxygen supply. Sturdy. That's important. You would go 12,000ft up with a tiny blue plastic oxygen bottle with ten minutes worth of air in it.
3. Being in space: It's a lot like being at high altitudes, only it typically involves less gravity. Thankfully, in spite of all of the budget cuts at NASA, astronauts can still afford space suits and they don't have to brave the final frontier with nothing but a couple of cans of Oxia to stave off a choking blue death from suffocation.

So, as you can see, the uses for Oxia are fairly limited to, well, none. I could see portable oxygen catching on as a hip fashion accessory for the super-rich, though. I'm sure Paris Hilton doesn't want to breathe the same air as the rest of us. And, if Oxia could prevent us from having to inhale the exhalation that emanate from her petri dish of a body, then I'll buy her the first case.

More Money than Artistic Sense

Once again, technology finds an answer to a question nobody asked. This may seem like a normal picture in a normal frame, but in fact it is a small LCD screen that will display your digital pictures. I suppose, on the surface, this may seem like a good idea, until you see the price. This and other models with slightly different frames and of different sizes cost around $250. Now, for that kind of money, you could purchase about 250 5X7" or an astounding 1250 4X6" prints from an online photo store like Shutterfly. Hell, you could buy any number of moderately priced cameras for the price if this ingenious device.

Of course, you would have to go through the pains-taking and laborious process of actually changing the pictures yourself when you got tired of the one in the frame, but I'm sure your boss won't mind if you're a few minutes late to work (as long as you explain you were changing out your pictures). Also, with an old-fashioned picture-in-frame setup, you wouldn't be able to set it automatically cycle through a selection of pictures, but if your attention span is so short that you can't stand to have the same picture on your wall for more than a few minutes, maybe you should spend your $250 on a prescription for Ritalin instead.

Noodles Vista

Sorry about the small picture this week, but when you've got an item as truly revolutionary as this one, you don't need to shout very loud. This may look like a normal noodle strainer to you, but it is actually something quite special. You see, it's actually a USB-powered noodle cooker! That's right, now you can tap into your computers universal serial bus to cook your Cup Noodle 2.0 right there at your desk.

I just wish someone could explain to me why it is better/easier/more efficient to plug your noodle cooker into your computer than it is to use that old-fashioned wall outlet (into which your computer is probably plugged anyway). As near as I can tell, this handy little device isn't even controlled by the computer. That would be worthwhile. A programmable noodle cooker that interfaces with your computer through the USB port. But all this unit seems to do is use a computer as its power source. To that end, the only real use I can think of for this machine is for the commuter who just can't wait to wolf-down a steaming pile of shrimp-flavored ramen, so he just has to cook them up right there on his train car. Oh well, I suppose it's better than sitting next to an unwashed person in a tinfoil hat.

Remote Control Peversion

Let's take a break from all that bathroom humor and move straight into voyeurism. That's right, it's a remote-controlled car with a video camera on it! But wait, this is not just any camera, it's a night-vision camera that sees in the dark. Just what every nine year old needs for sneaking up on his older brother making-out with his girlfriend on the couch while Mom and Dad are asleep upstairs. I'm sure that this is how the next generation's Seymour Butts will get his start.

This may seem like a strange idea to you, but I want to make it perfectly clear that it was not my idea. Additional pictures from the catalog which sells this fantastic machine actually depict a carpet-level view of couple sitting awfully close on the couch. What can I say, they know their target audience.

There was an Old Cat Who Lived in a... Plant?

Am I missing something here? I know it's sometimes difficult to understand the whims of a cat, but are there really cats out there who sit around thinking, "God how I wish I could live inside of a plant!" Really, I thought that nothing except for woodpeckers and Kiebler Elves wanted to live inside of a tree.