Pour Junior another Bourbon

This week's item actually seems like a very good idea at first glance. It's a pacifier than can also be used to deliver medicine directly into your baby's mouth. I'm no expert on child-rearing, but I suspect that babies would certainly rather suck on a pacifier than have eye-droppers and the like shoved into their mouths. So, as you can see, in the hands of a gentle and responsible parent, this pacifier could be just the thing for a fussy baby.

In the hands of an evil babysitter, however, this pacifier is tool for evil handed down by Lucifer himself. Can't get Junior to stop crying? Want him to go sleep so you can watch "Armed & Famous"? Load up his pacifier with two fingers of the Ol' Granddad and let him suck away.

That said, I'm thinking about getting one of these for myself. I'm about to start a new job soon, so I'm going to tell everyone that I suck on a pacifier to prevent myself from smoking. Because they won't know me very well, they should remain oblivious to two pacifier-related tidbits: 1) I'm not actually a smoker, and 2) my pacifier will be full of small quantities of White Russian.

Does PETA know about this?

Sorry for the late update this week, but I think the toilet fish tank is well worth the wait. It's fish tank, built into a toilet. Or is that other way around? I believe the tank used to flush the toilet is located inside the larger tank used to torture the fish. Torture them? Imagine if your only entertainment all day was watching people urinate?

I thought long and hard about who the intended market was for this product. It can't be intended for grown men because, frankly, it's embarrassing to have anyone find this in your house. Likewise, women of any age wouldn't really find a use for this because most of the time they would have their backs to the tank and wouldn't really get to appreciate it's beauty. I guess that leaves young boys as the only ones who might want this thing. However, I doubt they are mature enough to handle taking care of the fish. Oh well, I guess it does make it easier to flush the dead ones.

As for me, if the Plumbing Police came to me and said, "You must put this in your bathroom," I guess I would try to fill it with bioluminescent jellyfish. That way I wouldn't need to turn on the light if I had to use the toilet at night.

Calling All Airheads

This weeks update is... oxygen. Yep, that's a can of oxygen for your breathing pleasure. No doubt, this particular product was inspired by classic Mel Brooks film, Spaceballs. Of course, the manufacturers failed to keep in mind that that was a comedy. A spoof, if you will. Not a focus group.

There are a few instances when I think that a canned oxygen supply is good idea. I have listed a few of these below:

1. Being underwater: Sure, water is part oxygen, but not the good kind. Luckily, a host of specialized devices have been designed to provide you with oxygen while underwater (snorkel, SCUBA gear, submarine, etc.).
   
2. Being at high altitudes: Air gets thinner. We all know it. No one would think of climbing a high mountain without a sturdy oxygen supply. Sturdy. That's important. You would go 12,000ft up with a tiny blue plastic oxygen bottle with ten minutes worth of air in it.
3. Being in space: It's a lot like being at high altitudes, only it typically involves less gravity. Thankfully, in spite of all of the budget cuts at NASA, astronauts can still afford space suits and they don't have to brave the final frontier with nothing but a couple of cans of Oxia to stave off a choking blue death from suffocation.

So, as you can see, the uses for Oxia are fairly limited to, well, none. I could see portable oxygen catching on as a hip fashion accessory for the super-rich, though. I'm sure Paris Hilton doesn't want to breathe the same air as the rest of us. And, if Oxia could prevent us from having to inhale the exhalation that emanate from her petri dish of a body, then I'll buy her the first case.